Rationalizing thoughts of an irrational mind

I made a new page just to sort out the chaos that is my mind. It seems like I’m pretty much irrational and I’d really like to take this chance to create a whole new page just to understand all those depressing and sad bits of memories and past experiences, and why they make me feel the way I feel now (felt before).

To kick off rationalizing myself, we’ll now go look at the latest event that made me want to write this page.

This entry is about a quarrel I had with my dearest friend, who does not reciprocate any type of feelings (be it friendship or lover’s love, but heck about love, because I know that’s a dead end). I hold her in the highest regard, though apparently, I’m only a normal friend to her. Nothing bigger, and pretty insignificant.

Being degraded from Best Friends status to mere Normal Friends status is really out of this world. And I really have no idea how that happened. Maybe its because she never really wanted me to be her best friend. Maybe I’ve been such a pain in the ass that she does not want me to be anywhere close to her anymore. But I’m only just speculating. What good are speculations? They fuck up your brain.

Anyway, below is the list of points that I experienced that made me feel really negative about life and friendship. She did the following:

1. treated very badly, though she still goes out with friends or at least speak to them in a normal or upbeat tone
2. given the Emo/Sad face whenever we met, even though she’s always cheerful in front of her friends and family
3. never replied my important/crux questions (of which I started the conversation for) in MSN, unless I displayed my disapproval
4. chose not to inform me about not being able to fulfill favours/promises until I had to find out about it myself, when I was probably the last one or some time had passed by since her decision was made

And her reasoning to each of the points were such:

1. she does not want me to wait for me anymore, and that I should move on
2. its because I knew exactly what was going on in her family that she didn’t have to display her fake emotions in front of me
3. she did not reply because she was busy with work
4. it was a last min. decision to get things done another way, even though it affected me negatively, she didn’t have the time to tell me

Okay, looks like its fair enough. But does I mean I’ve not done my part, or that she’s absolutely right in doing so?

1. Look, nobody wants to wallow in their own emoness. Neither do I. Its painful enough to think about you every day and can never have you. I really don’t need you to remind me that you will never reciprocate. At least treat me like  I’m your (best) friend. I don’t know what was the sudden change in your attitude but it is really doing negative wonders to me both emotionally and mentally. And please don’t assume I’ve never tried to move on. I’ve tried dating, I’ve tried flings, I’ve tried being close to MALES, I’ve tried burying myself in work. They did not work. Not because I did not want to, but because I could not get them to. Like you said, nobody can control their feelings, neither can I. If it’s been 6 months since we broke up, and I still can’t move on, it means its not a trivial matter that you can just say “oh, let’s move on! Yay!” and things go your way. Grow up and learn to see in other people’s shoes as well.
2. Nobody asked you to pull a happy face in front of your family. I can understand if you’ve to act happy towards your ****er, but nobody said you have to do so for every one else, incl. the others in your family. Plus, even before you told me anything, you were already giving me the black face. Ask yourself why you’re doing such things. It only adds pressure to yourself and towards people you never knew were being affected by your actions. You’re not God, and nobody expects you to be a saint either. Just be what your mood tells you to be. If I’m the cause of your emoness, then tell me. Don’t let me double guess you, its really fucking my brain up.
3. See this, you’ve only never replied me when I ask you the most crucial of questions (which were the reasons why I started the conversation in the first place). Questions like “Lunch sometime?” or “How’s your family?” always go unanswered. Miraculously, you disappeared at the exact same time that I asked the question, only to find you log out of MSN 2 hours later without any form of explanation.
4. You asked your senior on Saturday. I found out on Monday. I believe 48 hours is more than enough to have told me about it. Its more than enough to make you complete 5 Ozimed and 5 MCAT papers and still have time to blow bubbles in your Marimo cup. You asked whether such an incident has occured before, and yes it did. Melbourne was one place we promised to explore together, with our little pinkies locked and a little chop for guarantee’s sake. You talked about it for 2 weeks with Mom and never bothered to tell me about it until I asked. Okay, you say its because you’re undecided and I’ll flare if you told me. But please, its worse if I had to find out myself. Also, you said you were perfectly fine accompanying me to Melbourne, so I never knew why you had to tell me about “I’d rather go Korea instead”. I’ve told you once before about how to handle such incident, but seems like you’ve clean forgotten about it, along with more than 80% of the memories of our relationship.

You’re not a matyr, and I’m not unfeeling. Don’t make it sound like you’ve been doing the right thing and I’ve been the one making waves in the puddle.

Plus, when you said you felt that your needs and wants were secondary, weren’t you forcefully doing the same thing to yourself when you had to pull an act in front of your friends and family members? Why do I have to be excluded? Why am I the one to blame? And why do you have to torture yourself this way? Last time I asked you to bring me places, do things for me. You had the freedom to say no okay. Don’t make me look like its my fault.

I know its been your dream to be a doctor, but doctors are also only human. Can’t you just let your emotions show?

And please don’t put me down.

One of your dear animator friends has been staring at me every time I walk past her along random walkways. At the recent exhibition, she packed up from the booth and walked behind me, rudely pushing me with her bag with brute force, and scratching me in the process. I almost fell onto the fragile exhibition works. I assure you, it was not a mere brush. Please tell her to be more civilised and respectful. I have never held anything against her. I know I’ve been pretty aggressive during lunch discussions, but that does not mean I have anything against them. It is my nature to inquire and question, or rather, human nature to do so. Only because I do it more aggressively than your clique of friends does not mean I disliked them.

L2 acknowledge differences in opinions and personalities.

Back to my point. I love being your friend. Don’t misplace this love I have for you and your family.

Its not nice.